Between the two of us, a celebration

As I was lying in bed tonight, lights out, but not yet committed to sleep, I watched thoughts from the day float by: a phone conversation with my sister who was tired, a magazine article I’m writing that has finally turned a corner, a rekindled desire to win an exercise competition I’ve entered with my friends (are you reading this Rob?).

But I realized that of all the things I might think about as I drift off to sleep, what I most want to think about is Jay.

For days now I have been unable to resist picking him up at every opportunity, hugging him and kissing him and putting him down just to do it all again moments later.  There’s been something about him recently—he’s funnier, more aware, more in control.  He radiates life and light. I am falling in love.

I realized tonight that I have complete conviction that the one thing I most want to do with my life over the next two decades is help Jay grow up (and Wally, too, though I don’t really know him yet so it’s hard to imagine what that will look like).

And then I asked myself why, out of all the ways I could I spend my time is this the way I choose? I considered a few possibilities: a sense of duty; a desire to have a meaningful task to devote myself to; a hope that he’ll mourn me when I die.

But none of those seemed quite right.

Then it hit me. What I most want to help Jay develop is a sense of wonder and love for the life he’s been given.  So that he blinks, and looks around, and blinks and looks around, and says over and again, every day that he’s alive, I cannot believe I am here.

He’s not the only person I want that for, though. Raising Jay is the most optimistic thing I have ever done.  To want life for Jay is to want life for myself, too.  There is, between the two of us, a celebration.

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4 thoughts on “Between the two of us, a celebration

  1. That is one of the wisest things I have ever read. You are on the right track, you and Caroline. I wish I had had someone to talk to when i was raising Andrew as a little.
    Thanks, Kev.

    Clarissa

    • Thanks, Clarissa. It is very nice to be able to share these thoughts with you and other readers, though the day-to-day of raising Jay and Wally feels as bewildering as ever. In a good way. Hope you, Michael and Andrew are looking forward to a wonderful Christmas. xoxo. Kevin

  2. Yes, that was wonder-filled writing. It brought a bit of moisture to my eye. When my sons were born, the gift that I wanted to give them in life more than anything else was a sense of wonder and an unquenchable curiosity about everything. With just these two gifts all else will be available to them on their terms. Thank you K for sharing with us.
    JC

    • Thanks, John. The whole family has gathered in Cobleskill and Jay is enjoying his first inklings of Christmas. Hope you and Elizabeth are settling in for a wonderful holiday.

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